You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

At this very moment --11:06 a.m., E.S.T. on Monday, the 23rd of August -- the most hotly searched topics on Good Morning America's website are:

• Egg Recall
• Iraq
• Jennifer Aniston

This brief, concise list further confirms my growing theory that key to mastering the art of being human is learning to measure accurate doses of experience. A dose of recall insanity can be tempered by small, powerful doses of Iraq (just Iraq, not Iraq war, Iraq conflict, Iraq veteran) and half a dose of Aniston for balance. Dosing: a new verb with which to combat the incessant pounding of sameness.

"I've overdosed on uncertainty so I'm taking half a dose of psychic prediction."
"I missed my morning dose of clarity. I'll double up on decisiveness."

Too much of one thing means too little of something else. Dose. Dose to drown. Dose to distract. Dose to intensify. Measure for measure, easy now, in doses.

I'm the Girl in Blue

I've never had one of those unhealthy long-term relationships...

But I get it now, I really do. I am to this desk, this chair, this file cabinet as Amy Winehouse is to Blake Fielder Civil. I might as well invest in a pair of toe shoes and get an anchor tattooed on my bicep. I am her.

I've stayed here too long and am past my expiration date. Every morning I lie in bed and think of the Thriller video. I picture heaving a heavy stone lid off my coffin and staggering into the gloom wearing a dirty Van Heusen business skirt. You're getting back out there! Gasp, I almost let them bury me.

Alas, I don't accept the funk of forty thousand years as my fate. I know I have to face my Blakey. And, lest you think I should die an early death from employment co-dependence, let me tell you this: we've been told the end is near. Time to replace my toe shoes with resume paper, it seems. I am, yes, getting back out there.

This Just In

Revelation: hope is not a plan.

Futility Ain't Just a Number

Today I am going into an office to defend something, to plead for and present possible scenarios on behalf of something that I don't even want. I've had this experience before. It reminds me of trying to convince the parents of twelve year old, tanned Colorado pygmies that their daughters needed $1200 modeling classes in order to hand out packets of granola at a stock show. I had that job, too. Not at the stock show, at the modeling school. Someone asked me this morning what my bottom line is. I can't say I've ever had one. What is a bottom line, anyway? Is it the same as a deal-breaker? Do you know it when you have one or is it more of a "winging it" kind of thing (whoops, I dropped my bottom line)? And how, precisely, does one unfurl a bottom line when one is already standing several floors below it? Okay, how's this for an ultimatum: "make me like this place more, or else"?

My Heart is Wearing This Shirt

I'm not a gangsta, but damn it would feel good to be one. Because everything's cool in the mind of a gangsta. Up three-sixty-five a year, twenty four seven (cuz gangsta biz is all there iz). Damn it'd feel good to be a gangsta, feedin' the poor and helping out with their bills (cuz benevolent gangstas get the best bitches). I'd sorta like to have the world swingin' from my nuts -- just to see if it'd still feel good to be a gangsta then (damn, I'll bet it would!)

I'm not a gangsta, but damn. Damn, it would feel good to be one.

On Coming Unstuck

First, go red. Next, wake at 3:00 a.m. and worry about what will become of someone like you. Take to short, shallow breaths. Ride the bus reading Julia Child. Worry. Try on various shades of lipstick: blue-pink, red-orange, abalone pearl. Worry. Worry. Worry. Decide you could possibly, someday, be fierce. If certain things would only fall into place. If only you could know more. Prop the pillows and sleep sitting up. Decide your dreams are trying to tell you something. Recite the lyrics to "My Generation" as if you wrote them. As if you understood them. See the orange cat sleeping on the floor. Understand that all things are still eventually. Accept there are some decisions you can't make now. Know just one thing in one moment in one small place in your soul. Know only one thing. Live on that.

Shopping for a Dream

Hello, may I help you?
No thanks, I'm just browsing.
Are you looking for anything in particular?
Well, dreams, if you must know.
Oh, we have many fine dreams. Have you ever owned one before?
Do you get repeat purchases?
First I'll need to know if you're interested in a complete dream or just some detail work.
A complete dream, I think. I mean, I guess, I'm not, I don't, I can't...
Let's see here, I have a sea dream in stock. Oh and here's a lovely family dream.
Those don't seem like me.
How about a nice, solid property dream? Very popular with people your age.
When you look at me, what do you see?
An escape dreamer?
A beleaguered dreamer?
Dream-repellent?
Let's say I buy one of these dreams.
THEN WHAT?
I'm sorry.
THEN WHAT?
I'm sorry.