Hello? Hello? Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home?
Oh, great big, knowing Blogosphere, I'm rubbing the sides of your truth-granting orb in search of insight. I've consulted family and friends, the profoundly indifferent school financial aid office, the bottom of my Prosecco glass. I'm at your feet now, Supreme e-Leader. Is there a path? Am I on it? Does the one I am on lead to a trash receptacle, deserted beach or twelve foot electrified fence? Are you busy with a crochet project? Should I come back later when you've finished your Sudoku?
Here's a brief update. Financial aid for next year came through. Well, when I say "came through" I sort of mean more that it exists out there on a piece of paper sorted into a bunch of columns said to "assist me in financing my education". I've spent the two weeks since I received the letter trying to figure out why they call it "financial aid" if it doesn't aid you financially. In any case, mine is not a story of true sob. I am not the first child in my family to attend college, offspring of first generation Americans or making minimum wage. I am merely a person trying to get a piece of paper, fulfill my potential, find some direction, change my life midstream. It's expensive, all that becoming something. And sadly, next semester, I can't afford to do it as I had originally laid out for myself on that steel-coated, infallible, never-say-die road map of mine. They gave me HALF. Half of what I got last year. Numerous phone calls to my 401k plan administrator to inquire about disbursement, countless humbling analyses of my credit card statements and several shameful attempts to derive an ounce of humanity from anyone working in financial aid later, it comes down to this: go part time in the fall, rack up some personal debt and stretch my supposed two-year plan out over four long years (until I'm nearly old enough to qualify for the social security degree program), or go full time in the fall as planned, rack up LARGE amounts of personal debt and finish the degree in two years. Though, that plan may have me taking online classes from inside a sanetarium, where I'll be serving time for trying to stab floating red credit card balances out from behind my eyes with a mechanical pencil.
Or that's how it all seems at the moment. When I write it out, it doesn't sound as catastrophic as it feels. But see, I had this plan. I was going to finish the degree that it took me so damned long to decide to pursue and then I was going to be off trying to...well, use it...somehow. I don't know why it always feels appropriate to quote When Harry Met Sally on this blog but in honor of Harry, I have to point out, when you decide what you'd like to spend the rest of your life doing, you'd like the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible. He was so right. But that's a shameful paraphrase. I would like the rest of my life to begin as soon as possible though truthfully, maybe this is happening because I'm still not exactly clear just what it is I'm supposed to be doing with said life. Oh, when will I learn that existence cannot be wrapped up by gifted writers of dialogue? Maybe there is some method here. Maybe I'm not meant to plow through the halls of academia so quickly that I finish with my little paper proof-of-purchase no more fleshed out (mentally) than I am now. Or maybe I just want so much to believe that I've made a choice that will translate into change that I have to see it that way.
In any case, I'm trying to imagine that this little blip appears on my electrfied life grid the way a slowing N train to Astoria would: momentarily stalled and perhaps off schedule but not yet retired to the big subway graveyard in Coney Island. It's hard to see these traffic jams as part of the larger infrastructure, as having any meaning to the greater flow of things. I think this is a lesson in priorities. I think so, anyway. I've vowed not to decide on which course of action to take for at least another week. I feel like there's something I'm supposed to get from the debt-to-emotional/professional/psychological investment ratio thing. Of course, it could also just be a good old fashioned lesson in patience, in which case I'll be really fucking pissed. I learned that one standing in line for gelato three weeks ago.
1 comment:
Well, from the friend of yours who decided, upon learning that none of the federal financial programs in the universe added up to the amount required by the institution handing out the paper with her dream stamped on it, I could suggest to you that, if your credit is secure enough or you have a handsome father interested in co-signing, that you can get the rest privately. However, you will still likely need help from financial aid to get awarded the "need" portion in order to get a private grantor to award the "money" portion.
You may want to ask them if there is an appeals process you can go through to increase the amount requested for the financial aid. Maybe you just didn't fully express the "non-rich" nature of your pocket book. Maybe the recession has resulted in Congress more than decimating our educational systems, requiring more students to beggar themselves when seeking advanced degrees. As such, creative thinking may be your friend here.
Therefore, unless you are going to be able to work, preferably for pay, in the field you intend to go into with this new and charming piece of paper, it may not be too wise to wait too terribly long to finish the degree.
At the same time, it may not be too wise to run up ridiculous personal debt.
SO: Try the following if you can't get additional financial aid.
See if you can potentially balance the financial issues with work/study in the degree/area of choice, to pay for the rest of the financial aid they seem to be denying you, or see if one of your professor's will assist you in getting a paid internship in your field, or a T.A. position with someone that will enable you to maximize your non-education hours in the most educational way possible.
That way, the additional time/investment spent on the degree outside the classroom will be spent on something you can directly apply to the degree and place on your resume as experience in the field.
That would be my two cents. I hope it helps, I hope you get the money/help you need!
I know you will get through this and get your degree.
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