I've been told that if my pulse does not improve I'll be put on herbs. This is Chinese medicine for "get your shit together."
I've been meditating with a back full of quills on the long bed in the small sleeping closet at the acupuncture office for several weeks now. I'm trying to figure out a way to process my emotions so they don't make me sick. To learn, as I've been instructed, to imagine that emotions are like a picture frame and mentally drape a sheet over them when I don't want to feel them. To see emotions like food. To take them in, digest them and then pass them--never storing them as pain. There are apparently all these ways to picture emotions and do something about them. I've been picturing ways to picture picturing them. Or something like that.
As my doctor turned out the lights and left the room last night he asked, "Do you have any questions?"
"Yes," I replied, pleadingly. "What can I do? Can I cut anything else out, stop eating eggplant, use more fresh ginger in my diet, perhaps add a little light jiu-jitsu or something?"
"There's nothing else you can do. Except...worry less. Ponder less."
Now, to be fair, he said this with a small hint of the desired irony that one with a back full of hot needles would demand in a moment like that. And then he left me in the dark. And I thought. I thought about thinking less. I thought about pondering less. I thought about worrying less. I worried about worrying less. And then I made a small vow. For one week (let's not kid ourselves here), I'm going to imagine a sheet. And when the grinding machine begins to chink, chink, chink away, churning itself into nothingness, I'm going to put up that sheet and let those thoughts hit it.
I'm not going to worry.
I'm not going to worry.
I'm not going to worry.
Okay, let's revise.
I'm going to worry...less.
I'm going to worry...less.
I'm going to worry...less.
And after this one week, I'm going to see what worrying less has done.
Because hey, I sure know what worrying does.
(Insert blank space here).
3 comments:
I love you, dearie.
Maybe I should join you in your quest for less worry.
Best of love to you dear.
I had to learn to worry less. Like a LOT less! I had turned into a 5+++ anxiety attack a week crazy woman. I had no choice, I had to listen. How did I do it? Cognitive therapy with a therapist. I became the observer, I stopped judging every damn thign I did or didn't do, started paying attention to what set me off, what the core was. Realized that it always went back to me being a 'bad' person who couldn't get anything right. And realize that is complete and utter bullshit. I'm a great person, an overachiever who tries to control too much. But I love with abandon and commitment, I have wise words for those I love in need, I am smart, hardworking, etc. And that voice, that worry is a liar. Kate, we haven't spent much time together in *gasp* this decade, but you are one of the greatest loves of my life. By being amazing, you taught me how to be amazing. Believe it. I KNOW it about you.
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